You know how they say art mirrors life? Well, “they” (whoever they are) are right again. Take for instance the season premiere of Teen Wolf. Ice sculptures thawing into fiery hunks? I just call that Tuesday. Spider-infested wolves creeping on lacrosse practice? Yawn.
But sometimes even super relatable supernatural dramas hit a little too closely to home and this episode WENT THERE. I mean, we get it. Wounds heal. Like, say, if someone leaves you for the mother of dragons. People move… sometimes to Twin Peaks. It happens. And even though we know that person’s love for Teen Wolf is real, it still stings, you know?
I think we all know who I’m talking about here. The hilarious Price Peterson is no longer doing his Teen Wolf photo recaps for legit business reasons. Fair enough, but I think I speak for a lot of us when I say Price’s recaps were the #2 greatest thing about Teen Wolf. #1 being [insert your favorite thing here… mine is Liam, if I’m being honest].
Can we really be mad though? Price saw us through cartoon beasts and Steampunk Cenobites and Beacon Hills High School’s very real need to vet its teaching staff. He’s earned a season of reading these things as a spectator, am I right? Let’s make that happen. I’ll kick things off with episode one and I’m hoping other bloggers in the fandom will keep this thing alive all the way through the finale. It’ll be like that scene in Harry Potter where everyone raises their wands to Dumbledore. Except Price is still alive. And my Hogwarts letter is lost in the mail. But otherwise it’s exactly the same.
Not going to lie, I’m feeling very Liam about this – a little confused, a lot conflicted, maybe a little growly at having to make snarky and insightful observations on my own. Or maybe I’m Theo here? Trying to usurp the True Alpha and failing miserably… but in a totally trustworthy way? There’s really only one way to find out.
Let’s talk about Said the Spider to the Fly.
A lot has happened since Scott and Stiles rode off into that JJ Abrams sunset flare. For starters, Scott is assistant lacrosse coach now! He’s got a whistle and everything.
Meanwhile, in what might be the most shocking twist since Werejaguars-are-a-thing, teens are in the locker room – you’ll never believe this – putting clothes ONTO their bodies. Also, Corey and Mason are planning to go to the same college because, apparently, they’re seniors now? I mean, sure, Corey was basically hopeless at school last year (and a sophomore?), but Lydia’s study notes are awesomesauce, okay? Let them have this.
In other news, some kid named Diaz is about to steal Liam’s spot as lacrosse captain. Does that make him the new Jackson? Or is he Scott in this scenario? Season 4 Liam? Unclear. But I think we can all agree rude is rude and nothing is more rude than a sweaty, blood-soaked wolf interrupting lacrosse practice.
But plot twist! The wolf is the victim here. I don’t know about you, but personally I also get super grumpy when spiders crawl around inside my skull then come skittering out my eye sockets.
It’s not just one wolf either. Nope. A whole mess of spider-filled wolf piñatas went and died across an entire… field? Meadow? Clearing? I don’t know forestry, but I do know Beacon Hills has got problems. The biggest of them being that Stiles is no longer in the opening credits! The nerve! The OUTRAGE! The…
Sorry, what were we talking about? My brain gets fuzzy when Parrish is around.
Oh right. Spider-filled wolf piñatas. Liam is understandably freaked out. His girlfriend left him, his wolf daddy is leaving him, and now there are SPIDERS. There’s only so much one sweet, squishy, rage-monster can take. Thankfully, Scott reminds Liam of the three things that cannot long be hidden: the sun, the moon, and a were-daddy’s love for his beta. ❤
Meanwhile, deep beneath Eichen House a 100-year-old were-popsicle is thawing and SURPRISE it’s a fiery beast!
But whatevs. Seen it. The real news is that the school library has been burgled! All the books on supernatural creatures have vanished. Now I’m not pointing fingers or anything, but this just happened to coincide with the arrival of a certain guidance counselor.
There is a hilarious/terrifying scene during which Corey definitely does not feel invisible. Ever. At all. Then I felt half a second of pity for poor traumatized new kid until I remembered he’s the jerk from the trailer who stabs Corey with a pen. Nolan = on my list.
Speaking of lists, Lydia used her banshee powers (I guess?) to make a list of all the supernatural creatures in Beacon Hills… because that has never been problematic in the past. Yep. There’s zero chance this list is going to fall into the hands of Shady McShade (The guidance counselor’s name, btw. True facts.)
In any event, Principal Martin has other problems. About a hundred of them. Furry, rat-shaped problems that have come spewing into school through… vents? Drains? I don’t know. But Liam and Mason were on the case! And it led them straight to a giant, festering pile of bloody rat corpses. Seemed like a clue, but Malia was unconcerned.
She did not have time for these children or their rat problems. She was ready for MEN. French men. Isaac, to be specific. To which I say, sign me up.
What were two teen sleuths to do? Well, as everyone knows, when your werecoyote pal refuses to help investigate a mysterious rodent death, the next logical step is a rat autopsy. And who better for the job than Melissa McCall? I mean, sure, Deaton is a veterinarian and graduated valedictorian of his Druid school (probably). And, let’s be honest, he’s the dude you go to for plot-necessary exposition. But, like, he was at the movies, okay? You can’t smuggle snacks in there. Even the bloody rat kind.
But Melissa didn’t appreciate Malia’s cooking and she definitely didn’t have time for teen shenanigans.
Elsewhere, a were-popsicle was stealing clothes Terminator-style (90% sure), lurking about schools, and creeping on Parrish. I mean, cars and cell phones and electricity and skinny jeans are cool and all, but Parrish’s appeal is timeless, you know?
Then Liam wolfed out in public and were-popsicle was all, “Parrish who?”
Liam was having a tough day, to be sure. Know who was having an even less awesome time? Lydia. The answer is always Lydia. This poor girl has a way of finding herself in the most terrifying situations – in this case, a giant spider web. Worse, it was a chatty spider web. Like, Lydia just wanted to scroll through her phone and be left alone, but the thing insisted on lecturing her: Wild Hunt, terrifying beast, you let it out, blah, blah. No one asked you, spider web!
Do you want to know what’s really scary, though? Beacon Hills High School is still offering late night study hall. Don’t get me wrong. SATs are important, but you know what’s not great for test scores? Death. How many innocent randos have to make poor life choices (remember season 3 guy who stuck his arm under a DUMPSTER? The tetanus alone…) before everyone just stays home, you know?
Anywho, were-popsicle was on the hunt for Liam, and Parrish was on the hunt for were-popsicle, and in no time two flaming men were destroying the high school, as per usual. Parrish, being the gentleman he is, was not interested in all this senseless violence and stepped outside for a quick nap. He definitely was not KO’d, okay? I don’t want to talk about it.
Then the were-popsicle tussled with Liam and scratched him all up and then… THEN he melted Mason’s baseball bat.
Stiles gave him that bat! It was a whole thing. This dude clearly has no respect for other people’s property, and that is a fact. He does, however, love cryptic warnings. “You idiots released a monster. Must put it back before it kills you all.” Sound familiar? Clearly, he’d been talking to the same spider web as Lydia. Unfortunately, he went and got himself shot in the face before he could offer any actual useful information. Typical, were-popsicle.
The real shocker though is the person who pulled the trigger – Shady McShade, a.k.a. the woman being entrusted with guiding and counseling the youth of Beacon Hills.
More importantly, do we have to start calling her Shady McArgent now? Because how else did she get that bullet? Was Nolan one of the kids Scott & Co. hid from the Wild Hunt in Argent’s bunker? Did he snitch to Shady like an ungrateful little weasel? I have questions.
But who has time to worry about any of that? Stiles is Stiles-ing up the FBI! And guess who’s on the FBI’s radar for mass murder? Derek!
But, like, is it Derek’s fault if he’s minding his own business, doing shirtless chin-ups in the woods, and people just happen to go into cardiac arrest because DEREK HALE IS BACK AND ALL OF OUR DREAMS HAVE COME TRUE?!
Overall, Said the Spider to the Fly was a thrilling, funny, satisfying hour of television.
P.S. though: where is Theo? That guy does not have the greatest track record, so maybe keep tabs on him. More importantly, I’m guessing the Dread Doctors weren’t huge on birth certificates and social security cards, so can he even get a job? Rent an apartment? Is he huddled in a storm pipe somewhere living off squirrels? Until the show tells me otherwise, I choose to believe he’s squatting in Derek’s loft, wearing Derek’s henleys, and pondering how to make a Liam-Theo spin-off a reality because I NEED that in my life.
What did you guys think?
Does anyone want that ticket to Isaac France that Malia is apparently not using?
How do you think Shady got that Argent bullet?
What great evil do you think the pack accidentally unleashed?
If Derek does a shirtless chin-up in the forest and no one sees it… did it happen?